Reality Strikes Back

 

The wife says I have to get a “real” job. Apparently, being a celebrity blogger and social media influencer in the four pawed community isn’t going to pay for the kids college tuition. When I went to college, I was able to pay for it using my savings from my summer job. Okay lets look at those college bills. This can't be right, look at all those zeros after the price!!!

 

I need time to think. A “real job” as in “9-5”?! ... {PANIC} ... Hmmm … I need expert help ASAP. I know, I will call my human friend Karen.

Lucky for me, my friend got this cool new job. One of the perks was the ability to hire an executive assistant. I applied and brought a six pack of Guinness Sunflower Ale to the interview. I got hired on the spot! 

I got my own office with rustic Woodpile décor and a great view.

My first assignment was to get some newsletters ready for distribution. I imagine they will need to be collated and stapled. I started looking through the drawers for a stapler … but the drawers were full of Godiva sunflowers seeds flown in fresh from France! It is hard to get any work done here with so many appetizing snacks.

This is a demanding job. I am expected to “multitask” - that is snack and work at the same time. I think I can handle that!

Back to those newsletters. If you were a stapler, where would you be hiding???

I finally had to ask the boss where the staplers were. She said they don't have any "antique" office supplies like staplers! The newsletters are sent out digitally. What happened to good old fashion print? At least the snacks haven't gone digital ... yet.

Yard Sale

This fall the wife decided "we" needed to have a fall cleaning of the burrow. This spontaneous house cleaning coincided with her announcement she needed a crafting room for her and her lady friends. The target for this cleaning effort was, yes you guessed right, my “man burrow.” My favorite chair, popcorn bowls, big game seed storage baskets and treasure chest table … had to go.

My wife didn’t trust me to run the yard sale. She thinks I would do something to sabotage it, so, I could keep everything. She gave me twenty bucks and sent me to the  Blackbird Tavern to watch the big game. Well, this ought to be interesting. I set up a camera and microphone to record everything.

[wife] "I need to make these items irresistible to customers. Let’s start by fixing that nasty beer and  popcorn smell in this chair. I have the perfect thing to fix that!"

[wife] "Let’s encourage customers to come in by serving some snacks."

 

Seriously, the ratty junk these chipmunks try to pawn off on others. This should be illegal.

 

[customer #1] “You never get free snacks at a yard sale. I better stuff my cheeks.”

[wife] “Excuse me young man, didn’t your mother teach you any manners?”
[customer #1] “Sorry ma’am, I beg your pardon. I will running along, now.”

 

[wife] This looks like a serious customer who wants to buy.

[customer #2[ ‘This is strange. What sane ‘munk serves snacks in a chair?”

[customer #2] “I better check under the chair. What is the seller
trying to hide by distracting customers with free snacks.”

[customer #2] “One leg is shorter than the other three. The chair is tipping if you shift your weight the wrong way. This lady wants a 100 seeds for this. She thinks she can pull the fur over my eyes!”

[customer #3] “Wow, this would be great to watch the superbowl in. Let’s see if this passes the sniff test?”

[customer #3] “Yuck, this smells like my grade school teacher’s perfume!”

[customer #3] “I’am out of here!”

[wife] “I spent 25 bucks on snacks and perfume, I didn’t sell a single thing. I don’t understand what went wrong. Time for plan B, I’ll just have a new room excavated for my craft room.”

Vinnie's Latest Projects

I have had a lot of fans emailing and texting me asking for an update on my cousin Vinnie’s latest projects. Why folks find Vinnie irresistibly fascinating is totally baffling to me.

Vinnie has moved out of his university lab. According to Vinnie, he couldn’t take the stale sunflower seeds they were selling at the snack bar. (University officials claim, it as about the electric bill for his super computer.) Having been to the sad excuse for a snack bar at the university, I am taking Vinnie’s side on this one. I met him at his new facilities, a renovated woodworking shop in Rhode Island. The snack bar at this place is just amazing. They serve Godiva sunflower seeds, 60% cocoa chocolate bars, and something called a cheese doodle. These cheese doodles are addictive.

Since moving to his new space, worker productivity has been up a 150% (along with a 20% increase in waistline). He just hired a vice president of brilliant ideas. This is what he calls his research and development department. The VP is Doug the Dodo (as in the extinct flightless bird). Apparently, being from a species that is officially extinct has certain unique tax advantages. Vinnie lured him away from a lucrative job as head of the Writing Staff at an international ebook publisher.

Vinnie has two big projects going on at the moment. The first is the trans-Merrimac River Critter Tunnel. A dramatic increase in boat traffic along the Merrimac River has brought critters of all kinds into conflict with humans and their boats. After intense negotiations, the humans agreed to finance a tunnel under the river, if the critters would handle all of the engineering. Vinnie designed a custom dredging machine that cuts a trench in the river bottom into which a high tech tube (i.e. the tunnel) is being buried. The tube is big enough for a moose to pass through and Vinnie had to hire some humans and their big tractors to move it into place.

The custom built dredge tunneling machine

 It is equipped with circular tunnel cutter blade system.

 
Sections of the trans-Merrimac River tunnel being moved into position.

 Doug’s first assignment was to come up with a way to transport everyone living at the Woodpile, plus ten cases of Guiness sunflower ale, to a grand opening party at Vinnie’s new facilities. Sounds easy? The catch was, the mode of transportation must be able to travel across the pond in front of the Woodpile, down the Powwow River to the Merrimac River, navigate the treacherous currents of the river until they reached the ocean, travel by ocean to the Tomaquag River in Rhode Island … finally arriving at Vinnie’s new place.

Doug pondered this seemly impossible assignment while listening to the Beatles playing on vintage vinyl records. He had a moment of inspiration listening to “yellow submarine.” Here is what he came up with:

A submersible vehicle capable of working in a wide range of watery environments.

The control tower

 

It has two motors that work at depths of 180 meters.

 

A sleek aerodynamic shape

 Doug’s trademark sense of humor, he gave his creation a face.

Merry Christmas

 

Special tree delivery

Santa's gift to his furry elves

who collected acorns for his reindeer

and just in time for the  Woodpile's Christmas Festival.

What, you thought we were snug

in our burrows, down for a long winter's nap?

Chrstimas Wreath

My buddy Bushy the squirrel has been watching the creative crafts channel on cable. He was inspired to make a Christmas wreath to decorate the Woodpile. He set himself a goal to make it from all recycled materials. He gathered discarded branches from the place selling Christmas trees. On the way back to the Woodpile he found a box of Christmas decorations set out on the curb for free.

He started working on his wreath but something didn't seem right. It finally dawned on him, there was no snow! It didn't feel very Christmas like without snow. He borrowed a blender and started grinding up ice cubes. It took an hour and 50 pounds of ice but he had snow to assemble his wreath on. Talk about dedication.

 Attaching the Christmas bulb to the wreath was harder than looked.

He tried a different angle but that didn't work either.

Bushy's brother Tommy dropped by and asked if he needed help.

 

With the help of his brother, he finally got it secured.

Bushy is busy working another branch into the wreath.

Bushy works at tying the ribbon on securely.

 

A very nervous Bushy can't decide if his project is finished or not.

 

New Woodpile Library

After over twenty five years of having the Woodpile in the exact same spot, the Woodpile Council voted unanimously in October to relocate it ten feet due west. This caused a great deal of confusion for our human neighbors. All sorts of rumors circulated as to what was going on. Some thought my cousin Vinnie was building a rocket launch pad for NASA. One of the more colorful rumors was that the Woodpilers were setting up a moonshine still! I am afraid the truth of the matter is not quite as exciting.

About a week ago, all the rumors were put to bed when a flatbed truck rolled up at 7am sharp and started unloading all of the pieces to the new Woodpile Library. Within two hours, a brand new 10 x 10 foot library was fully assembled and ready for phase II – bringing in the bookcases and books.

We had outgrown our previous library space which  was only a mere three square feet. Our new library has a 100 square feet and we installed bookcases as much as five feet tall. We went from a capacity of about three dozen books to space for 1200 books. Word got out quickly. We received many book donations and had no trouble filling up the shelves. In less than we a week, we went from the smallest critter library in North America to the largest.

Every year we “refresh” the Woodpile with three cords of new wood.

 

 

Here is the Woodpile in its new location. Impressive isn’t it?

 

The new library shortly after completion. You may notice some odd dark lines running through the grass. Light yellow "L" shaped line is cracked corn for our feathered friends.

The Woodpile Corp of Engineers was busy digging a tunnel system to reach the library. This way critters wouldn’t have to get their paws cold and wet scurrying through the snow in winter.

 

 

Did I mention the new library is run on solar power? We decided to go green.

 

The solar panel powers the lighting system.

Our masonry crew was busy installing the steps.

Taking a well deserved break after moving this cement block singled pawed.

The building inspector gives the final okay for the library to open.

Before the library even opened, this young lady donated a collection of sci-fi titles. Time to brush up on my Star Wars reading.

It took an army of volunteers to move all the books in.

The new library was even equipped with a file cabinet for archival materials and unpublished reports.

I received the honor of checking out the first book from the library. My wife wanted me to get “The Handy Chipmunk’s Guide Burrow Repairs.” (It was still on order and hasn't arrived yet, phew!). My cousin Vinnie and his mentor Tom recommended some ‘light reading’, specifically Plato’s philosophical work called “The Republic.” My old school teacher Mrs. Spot recommended the classics like Henry David Thoreau’s “Walden.” What did I decided on? Well, I discovered some vintage comic books, my idea of "classic" literature and  “light reading."