We are really feeling the affects of climate change at the
Woodpile. For many years we had snow drifts the height of skyscrapers. This
year, we hardly got much snow at all. I convinced the Woodpile Council to
invest in “snow making equipment” for a tubing park. Naturally I got the
contract for the job. What type of equipment did I get? I had my human pet Jim
take his snow shovel and move snow from around the yard to the Woodpile. It was
very efficient. I had the snow tubing park done just in time for February
school vacation week. This meant we would have lots of customers.
First day of vacation, Chippy Jr. was up at the crack of
dawn in anticipation of snow tubing. (I wish it was this easy to get him out of
bed on a school day!) Sticking his head out of the burrow, his eyes started
bugging out of his head when he saw the snow park. “Mommy, can I go snow
tubing?”
Mom brought him to the park and paid for a ticket
This was Chippy Jr.’s first time tubing. “How do you
ride this?”
While he is trying figure it out, the tube starts
sliding down, faster and faster.
“Wow, this is fast, no I am not scared.”
Mom watched with concern from the designated “parent section.”
“How do you put the brakes on?” He tries using his paws.
By some miracle he made to the bottom of the hill
safely.
In his excitement Chippy Jr. rushes back to the top of
the hill thinking there will be another tube for him to grab. The park attendant
duly informs him he has to use the tube he was assigned. Poor kid, he had to
walk back down the hill to grab his tube.
“How do you get it uphill?”
Chippy Jr. pushes the tube up the hill
Taking a breather half way through pushing the tube
uphill
Ready go for his second run of the day
He assumes an aerodynamic crouch for maximum speed.
CRASH!
Cool! That was wicked awesome. I want to go again.”
If there is one universal constant in the galaxy, it would
be the persistent presence of the “used vehicle salesman” in every culture and
amongst every species. Whether you’re buying a car, plane, boat, sled, or
rocket ship you can’t avoid them. They are a genetically inbred sub-species
whose sole purpose in life is to torment innocent law abiding citizens.
Tired of getting her paws frozen every time she went
visiting, taking the kids to school, or shopping at the superseed mart, the
wife asked that I get her a self propelled sled to travel in. We looked at the
sales flyers in the newspaper for new sleds and had some serious sticker shock.
The cheapest model cost 15,000 seeds!!! So we decided to buy a used sled
instead. I thought I would share with you some hard won advice from my experiences
shopping for a used sled.
(1) Check Online
Reviews
With reviews you normally expect a five star rating system
with five stars being the best service. With used vehicle dealerships they use
a five devil icon system. The devil icon system works the reverse. The more
devils they have the worst the service.
The “best” dealership in the area was “Jerry’s Gently Used
Sleds.” The tagline for the company “Home of the one minute warranty.” I know
it doesn’t sound very encouraging.
Jerry the used sled sales’munk is ready to rip
off unsuspecting customers.
(2) Size and Purpose
I know what your thinking, your going to buy the cheapest
sled on the lot. That’s a really bad idea. You need to think what to you plan
on using the sled for? Shopping, transporting the family, etc. Take for example
this cheapo compact model.
This compact sled was only 99 seeds. An unwary
customer almost bought it until I suggested he try it out.
How do you squeeze into this compact?
Its so tight I can’t get my tail inside. Time consider a different model like I did.
Your buddies will be impressed when you
show up to the Wednesday night bowling league in this red open top speedy snowster.
Wow, look at that turbo charged jet
engine!
“Honey, if you give up your weekly fur salon
appointments we could afford two sleds. I need to keep up my appearances as an
adventure ‘munk writer.” “Wife’s answer “ABSOLUTELY NOT!”
A guy can always dream. “The wind is whipping
in my face as I hit 60 mph on the open snow …”
(3) Condition
The sales’munk suggested this family friendly
caravan sled which he described as “gently used.”
I suppose I could duck down so my buddies don’t
see me driving this thing.
“Gently used” Yah, right - note the bent runner.
Always check the interior. Hmmm, hair from the
last family’s pet rat, nothing a good vacuuming can’t fix.
Oh I see, it is a package deal, it comes with
the pet rat.
Always check under the sled. Wait
a second, this sled is missing its engine
(Video) Be sure to do a thorough inspection under the sled
The sales’munk tries to convince me that I could
just push it instead.
This sled tips easily.
(4) Fake Customers
The latest trickery in used vehicle sales is the “fake
customer.” They hire out-of-work actors to portray customers in an effort to
rush you into a purchase and jack up the price. The actor will pretend interest
in the sled you want and offer to pay more than you offered. Here are some tips
for spotting these actors:
This squirrel is more interested in eating the free
snacks then buying a sled.
All of a sudden, this squirrel shows interest in the
compact sled I was looking at. Seriously, he can’t fit into this thing what a
joke.
As if reading my mind, he tries to get in it anyways
with a predictable result. At least the entertainment at this dealership is
five star.
He pretends it wasn’t his fault.
Oh well, there goes Jerry’s private stock of Guiness
sunflower seeds
Jerry the sales’munk comes flying over to save
his secret stash. Too late.
(5) Haggling
The aged old haggling routine is for the customer to start
low and the sales’munk to start ridiculously high and you meet in the middle.
The customer walks away thinking they got a bargain when in reality the
sales’munk got the price he wanted. They are experts at this game. Instead, try
this strategy. Dump your seed offer on the sled. When the sales’munk starts his
moaning and groaning that is less than he bought it for … then start picking up
the seeds and putting them back in your cheek pouches. The more he goes on the
more seeds you take away. Eventually the sales’munk will see the peril of the
situation and agreed to accept whatever seeds are still left. You come away
having gotten a real bargain.
My wife makes the sales’munk an offer.
She keeps removing the seeds as the sales’munk
drones on. Desperate to makes his end of the month sales quota, my wife gets it
for 25 seeds! My wife told me, “The lady’munks are going to be jealous when I
show up to the knitting club with this.” Flabbergasted I said “What about the
kids?” “Let’m walk it will do them some good. Toughen up their paws.”
Whether you’re a critter, bird, or human one thing never
changes: income taxes! I started filling out my 1040 on the computer program.
Everything was going along nice and easy. I put in my W-2 info, listed my
children (and human pets) as dependents, and then it asked if I had a business.
Hmmm, I could write off a bunch of stuff as “business expenses”, like for
example that outdoor theater I bought last summer. I did handout tickets to all
my guests, that must count as a business! Right?
Oh, I got so busy telling everyone about my other
adventures, I never told you the story of the movie theater? I was reading the
Woodpile Historic Society’s newsletter and it had an article about a 1950s
outdoor movie theater. ‘Munks would come from all the surrounding communities
for miles to watch the great stars of silver screen. Sadly, when the areas
human got cable TV and we secretly tapped their lines, the place went out of
business. The Woodpile building inspector was threatening to condemn this
historic landmark and have it blown up. I emptied my savings account and
offered to restore it. I bought the property for 512 seeds (all of my savings!)
How am I going to pay the restoration staff? Lets think, what would Mark Twain
do. His character Tom Sawyer got folks to pay for the “privilege” of helping
with the fence “restoration” project. I let folks know that I was offering a
once in a lifetime opportunity to work on a nostalgic movie theater for 25
seeds. As a bonus I threw in lifetime free tickets. I couldn’t believe it when
it actually worked. It got finished in record time.
On opening day, there was a lively debate over what our first
movie should be. Citizen Kane, Gone with the Wind, and Casablanca were popular suggestions with the
seniors. The youngsters all wanted a Marvel Super Heroes movie marathon. Things
started to get out hand. The youngsters let the spitballs fly and the seniors
returned fire with their sugar free cupcakes. What a mess! I must admit it was
hilarious. Then my cell phone beeped, and I checked my email. Our movie rental
account was being held up pending a credit check which would take two weeks to
process. Oh boy, I had a rowdy crowd on my paws and no access to any movies.
Merry saved the day. He was sweeping out the old film vault
and came across two film canisters that had fallen behind the shelves and never
returned to the studios. I announced to the feuding crowd that he were going to
show a double “mystery” feature. The mystery part being we had no idea what
films we had, the ink had faded long ago on the labels. (I prayed we didn’t
have a couple of naughty films – this was a family event.) Turns out we had the
only surviving copies of two classic films (a) Chipmunk, Jedi Master (b) Invasion
of the Chipmunk Snatchers. I know my human fans will be disappointed, but,
George Lucas licensed the whole “Star Wars” idea from us chipmunks. It was all
hush-hush.
I was trying to adjust the angle of the projector but it
wasn’t working.
That’s better we needed a rock under it to raise the
angle
I yelled up to the Ralph, the projectionist, “lets get the film
rolling. What’s the hold up? You wouldn’t be eating snacks in the projector booth
would you?”
“I would never do anything like that, Mr. Chippy, I know
the rules.”
Wow, we have quite the crowd in the VIP seating
“Anyone need any snacks? They are only $5 each.” (Hey,
price gouging is part of movie theater experience.)
I was whispering to Merry a funny story about the lead
actress.
Merry thought it was so funny he was rolling around in
the aisle and got shushed from the peanut gallery. Ah, the perfect movie
experience getting shushed.
The film stopped at a pivotal moment in the plot. The young
Jedi was about to learn who his father was. Talk about a cliff hanger. I climbed
up on the projector to assess the problem. I found a sunflower seed shell
jammed in the gears and our projectionist was nowhere to be found.
Security camera footage of the projectionists stuffing
his face just before the projector jammed.
As some of you may know, my cousin Vinnie the P. has advance
degrees in Philosophy and Physics. Not surprisingly, he is a serious nerdy
type. I was having a bit of fun and teasing him about the one thing all his
fancy science and high fluting intellectual philosophy could never understand:
love. (I do occasionally feel bad for Vinnie. He has never been on a date or
had a girlfriend.) In typical Vinnie fashion, he took my joking as a serious
challenge.
This all took place a couple weeks ago, and I completely
forget about it. I woke up Valentine’s morning and checked my social media
feeds and discovered there was a real buzz about Vinnie’s “Gateway to Love.” I
figured this was one of Vinnie’s sad attempts at humor and crawled back into
bed. I just about fell back to sleep when my boss at the Woodpile Times called
and wanted me do a story on this. I took a quick shower, combed out my fur, and
trimmed my whiskers before rushing out to see this.
I arrived at the Woodpile to find a huge heart floating in
mid-air. Impressive! After years of tinkering, Vinnie must have finally got
those anti-gravity prototypes working. Vinnie was standing on top of an
overturned empty Guinness Sunflower Ale barrel touting the wonders of his
“Gateway to Love.” He was guaranteeing everyone who passed through would
discover love. All of the birds within a thirty-mile radius showed up for a
chance to find love. I guess that is why they have earned the nickname “love
birds.” Personally, I was skeptical about Vinnie’s “guarantee”, it sounded too
good to be true. Well let’s see what happens …
These two house finches, who were longtime friends, realized
they were soul mates. They plan on getting married. This must be beginners
luck.
This Titmouse just “loves” the lime light. Her photo is
already trending on social media.
This Shakespearean actor from Broadway sings out into verse,
“To find love, or not to find love, that is the question” … “Heck, with that, the
finches tell me there is food on the other side of the gateway. I love
sunflower seeds.”
Well, I was left speechless by this remarkable
demonstration. Through careful observation, Vinnie had come to the realization
that love comes in many forms. His “Gateway to Love” was nothing more than the
power of suggestion. He was helping critters to realize what they already knew
deep down. I was about ready to concede that Vinnie had a better understanding
of love then I realized when it dawned on me that one person wasn’t helped by
his gateway. I triumphantly pointed out to Vinnie he had not discovered love
himself! Vinnie’s reply “I just LOVE proving Chippy was wrong.”
The lesson learned from this story … never argue with a
philosopher.
