Reflections on the Pandemic

I am happy to report that the Woodpile is 100% vaccinated. Yesterday at noon the Woodpile Council voted to lift all the pandemic restrictions. Everyone got together around a bonfire to celebrate. Strangely the topic of conversation was what critters did during lockdown and the lonely months afterwards. For example, Bushy’s wife couldn't decide what color to paint their hollow in the old oak tree. Each week she had Bushy paint it a different color. After about 52 weeks, she decided she like the original color they had! Now the paint is 1/2 inch thick on the walls. For myself, I finally had time to inventory my worldwide sunflower seed collection. After cataloging 526 seeds, I decided my collection was big enough. The prize for the most creative pandemic activity goes to Merry and his roommate Tropifly. They built their own bowling lane in their condo.

Ever wonder where so used batteries end up? There is a huge demand for them on the critter market as bowling pins. I know, all these years you thought those pesky raccoons were after the chicken bones in the trash can. Think again.

Humans like to joke about losing their “marbles” as a way to explain their intellectual foibles. I hate to break it to you, but its not just an expression. You really do loose your marbles. Turns out they are the perfect size for bowling bowls. If you’re missing any of your marbles, I have a good idea where you can find them.

The only problem with using human marbles as bowling balls, is each one has a distinct personality. Some balls are unfocused and wander all over the place. If you have a single pin left, this is a great choice because it zigzags across the whole lane and has a high probability hitting the pin. The ambitious marbles are great for bowling a strike, they want to prove themselves. Watch out for the social media marbles, they are attracted to the nearest cell phone and never make it down the lane.

 

Order of the Bean Pot

The Blackbird Tavern has been unable to keep up with demand for Guinness Sunflower Ale. Arrangements were made with the brewery to run a pipeline from the main tank at the brewery to the tap at the bar. During installation of the pipe, the construction crew hit a giant buried time capsule. After dusting off the dirt, they were surprised to find an inscription that read “Open in 2021.”  The crew popped open the lid with some crowbars only to discover a earthenware bean pot. Everyone was duly disappointed.  I peeked and inside and found a hand written note: “Congratulations! You are duly appointed to be the bean pot master and perform the 200 hundred year ceremony. Failure to do so will result in the end of the critter world.” Remind me in the future not to be so curious. I poked around some more but I couldn’t find any instructions for the ceremony.

I ran as fast as I could to the library. The librarian helped me pour through all the history books and old newspapers from 200 year ago. We found a few references to a secret Order of the Bean Pot. One short news blurb from 1821 simply stated “Secret Order saved the Critter world from cataclysmic disaster by holding special rites. The Order has held this ceremonial for over 500 years using their ancient bean pot.” The next mention is from 1850 and it reads “Last member of the Order of the Bean Pot, Dr. Four-Paws passed away at the age of 99 taking all of their secrets to the grave.” This isn’t looking good.

In desperation, I called my cousin Vinnie. He put the word out and members of the international think tank gathered at the Woodpile.

Renowned international archaeologist  Dr. Howard Carter was the first to arrived. He left a dig in Egypt studying ancient cat villages. He dove in (literally) to the problem.

I noticed he likes to clean his tail while he thinks.

 

He reported, “Vinnie this a bit strange, based upon the glazes and manufacturing technique, this pot was manufactured around 1820. Its definitely not 500 years old.”

“Next into the Pot” was a biochemist with a specialty in food residues. She began by sniff the outside of the pot.

Followed by a closer inspection inside.

After about an hour of sniffing, the results were announced. Food residue was consistent with baked beans. More specifically the recipe used by the Durgin Park Restaurant in Boston during the 1800s.

Baffled by the findings of the first two experts Vinnie decided he needed to personally investigate.

He popped his head out of the pot and said “How did everyone missing the inscription written in Latin? Dr. Carter asked him to translate. It read something to the effect ‘push red button for big surprise’. Vinnie asked me to help him find the red button.

The next thing we known after hitting the button, we were flying through the air. Apparently, Dr. Carter loves playing practical jokes.

Our Woodpile school teacher Mrs. Spot dropped by. She went over to the bean pot and looked at it reverently. She said, “Where did you find great-great uncle Four-Paws’ bean pot? The family has been looking for this for almost two hundred years. Mrs. Spot sat down and told us the whole story based on what she learned from Four-Paws’ diary. Colonial ‘munk officials were rather unhappy with all the late night drinking going on at the Order of the Bean Pot hall. Even more disturbing was the fact they were growing beans instead of sunflowers. They were considered a bad influence on the village and plans were made to have them arrested and dragged into court. Catching word of the impending arrest, they concocted a story about the end of the world and created the “ancient” ritual of the bean pot which magically saved the village from disaster. The village fathers were so grateful for this miracle they cancelled the arrest warrants. Concerned that their deception would be revealed they buried the bean pot shortly afterwards with instructions not to open for two hundred years.

New uses for an old classic

I attended the Woodpile Chamber of Commerce meeting the other night. I am not really big on meetings, but I heard a rumor that the Bottomless Cup Café was giving away coupons for a free cup of coffee. Turned out you had stay for the whole meeting to get your coupon at the end. I was about to leave before things got started then I remembered my wife had a long list of chores around the burrow, so, I decided to stay. I am glad I did.

I was pleasantly amazed at the diversity of small critter owned businesses at the Woodpile. There are a couple of MIT graduates running a startup that just patented an automatic sunflower seed sheller. It can process a 1000 seeds an hour, very impressive. Three young ‘munks talked about their sunflower flavored lemonade stand that they are franchising throughout New England. You humans might want to get in on that deal.

At the social hour after the meeting I ran into Ms. Winters who owns a public relations and advertisement firm. They work out of an abandon rundown warehouse burrow. I have never given much thought to them. Apparently, they handle 40% of the advertising accounts for Fortune 500 critter companies in the U.S. I was asked if I wanted to participate in a marketing brainstorming session for their latest client. Who would that be, I asked? L.L. Bean that famous human retail store just hired them. The human market for their famous L.L. Bean boots has become saturated and they were looking for new emerging markets for their boots. They felt the critter market was completely untouched.

L.L. Bean shipped some product samples to the Woodpile. The brainstorming team gathered to get to work on some advertising concepts. The sales executives at L.L. Bean recognized that boots were obviously too big for chipmunk paws. Efforts to shrink the size had met with mixed results. They wanted to know what other uses they could be put them to that would be attractive to critters?Any ideas?

Wow, I never realized how big human paws were!

 I wonder how many chipmunks we can fit inside?

 You can get three chipmunks inside comfortably.

These make great picnic baskets that can be converted into a table.

 

With the increased crop yields we have been getting with our sunflower gardens, storage space has been at a premium in most burrows. Portable storage units for the harvest season I think will be in big demand.

What’s the capacity of this boot? Let me get some measurements. 

This is cavernous inside. I estimate this has capacity of 10,000 seeds.

Can I take this one home, please?!

 

I wonder if the boot could float? Add a motor and propeller and you got yourself a boat.

They could sell do-it-yourself add-on kits.

I have a better idea. These low top models can be made into a roadster. I can just imagine myself traveling Route 66 across country in one of these.

 

Visitng the Orchard

I dropped by the Bottomless Cup expecting to meet my buddies for coffee. Instead I found a note attached to a couple of empty mugs.

“Dear Chippy,

It is such a gorgeous day, we decided to see to the apple and peach blossoms at the orchard. Your Friends, Merry and Spitfire.

P.S. We will email photos.” 

The orchard was in full bloom. (Although I don’t understand humans’ obsession with growing apples and peaches when that land could be used to grow sunflowers.)

The orchard is guarded and patrolled by this fearsome looking turkey.

 

Merry had to work hard to climb up the tree to get a close-up look at the blossoms.

Spitfire just flew up.

Spitfire suggested that Merry smell the flowers.

Merry was so focused on smelling the flowers he lost his balance and almost fell out of the tree.

Spitfire offered to give Merry a ride back to the ground where it was safer.

Merry fell in love with these yellow flowers. He collected their seeds and made it his mission to plant them all over the Woodpile.

 

Free Car

My doctor told me I need to get more exercise. A “marathon” viewing of “Downton Abbey” apparently doesn’t qualify. I got one of these fitness apps for my phone and started walking a ¼ mile day. (You humans are thinking, geeze, that is not much of an exercise program. Think about it a moment I am 1/30^th of your size!) I discovered all sort of trails around the Woodpile that I never knew existed. Exploring all these new places, gave me inspiration to really pursue my exercise program.

The other day I was daydreaming about finding a treasure chest full of Govida sunflower seeds when I made the most curious find. Out in nowhere was a white sports car with blue racing stripes. The hood was popped up a small sign was placed inside that said “Free to the first person who finds this car! Must drive the car away within five minutes to claim it.” 

I wonder if I am the first person to find it? I don’t see anyone else around.

What’s that old expression, best to look a gift horse in mouth? I better check this out before claiming it. Let’s see, it has an engine and it still warm. That means it was driven here only a few hours ago.  It is in running order.

It has brand new tires and they are all properly inflated.

Wow, the previous owner even left the key in the ignition. Boy, they really want to get rid of this car fast.

I wonder what is in the trunk?

 Lets see there is spare tire, emergency seed rations, building blueprints, ski masks … wait a second …

 

Are you thinking what I am thinking? I think I need to take my exercise program to the next level and sprint out of here before those police sirens get any closer!