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My buddy, Bushy the squirrel and his wife have been working long hours as part of the corona virus emergency response team. Luckily for them, Bushy’s grandmother has been taking care of the kids. She makes sure the kids attend their online classes and do their homework. After “school” is over for the day, she plays catch the acorn with the grand kids, gives them lessons on tree climbing, and they build nests out of leaves like the pioneer squirrels once did. (Bushy has a nice condo in a suburban neighborhood of the Woodpile.)

In her younger years, Bushy’s grandmother was a top ranked athlete at the Squirrel X games. She won a gold medal in the track and field decathlon. She did sustain a tail injury while participating in the “road crossing” portion of the tournament. This is an event in which the critter athletes dodge speeding cars while crossing a busy road. Recently, that old injury has been causing her problems. She went to the doctor and was diagnosed with osteoporosis of the tail. She was prescribed calcium supplements which she takes faithfully every day.

In other news, my friend Tom in Rhode Island, a world famous e-book author, recently sent me a clipping from the “National Inquirer” a tabloid magazine written by what Tom calls “human beans.” I thought I would share it with my readers since it concerns the Woodpile:

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CARNIVOROUS SQUIRREL SPOTTED IN MASSACHUSETTS!  

A quiet rural neighborhood in northeastern Massachusetts has been hording pepper spray and bolting their doors shut at night. It all began one morning when some of the local glutinous wildlife failed to show up for breakfast at the bird feeders. The next day, the Woodpile was found decorated in tuffs of fur. The entire local chipmunk population known as “Woodpilers” had disappeared over night.

My editor called me into her office. She was drinking champagne at 9am! I inquired what she was celebrating? She said that Chippy, Vinnie and all the Woodpilers had been devoured! She went on to explain that their blog had been taking customers away from the magazine for months and cutting into the bottom line. I got the assignment to investigate this “miracle.”

I arrived to find local residents terrified not about COVID 19 but rather another silent killer stalking them. They had initially thought the coyotes were responsible until they joined the list of unexplained disappearances. I asked about seeing the home security camera video but residents only shook their heads. There wasn’t any. All the wires had been chewed in half disabling the cameras. The real shock came when a neighbor reported his pitbull named “terminator” had gone missing from his chain link enclosure. I hurried to the scene and found a trail of destruction. The chain link fence had been chewed through. Terminator put up quite a fight but proved no match for this silent monster. With great trepidation, I followed the drag marks as the dog’s carcass was hauled away. What did I find? A carnivorous squirrel! The squirrel had eaten the entire dog except for one bit of bone. I snapped a few photographs as proof and ran like hell. Will your neighborhood be next? Are you prepared?

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Quick question, did you believe this story? Of course not, right? You get your critter news from reliable sources like this blog?

Allow me to introduce you to Bushy’s grandmother taking her organic calcium supplements. Yes, she looks really good for her age. I continue to be amazed how gullible human beings are. They pay good money at the grocery store to buy these tabloid magazines and read these fake news stories. Imagine how many bottles of beer you could buy for that same money.

Quarantined!

I arrived back in America from my trip to Ireland in search of leprechauns only to find the world had changed. Waiting at the airport terminal were ‘munks in biohazard suits. What is going on? The only contagious disease I have is my sense of humor. They didn’t see the humor in that. I was asked all sorts of question: Did I travel to overseas? Yes. Did I have a cough? Well, I picked up a sniffle in my adventures. They took my temperature and I was running a fever. I was whisked off to the “Q-Pile.” Apparently, they had built a separate woodpile to quarantine critters with suspected cases of corona virus. So far I was the only resident of the Q-Pile. The forward thinking Woodpile Council had implemented a preventive shelter-in-burrow policy and it had worked. Since we chipmunks are compulsive hoarders, all the families had plenty of sunflower seeds stockpiled.

The Q-Pile is a miniature version of the woodpile. It is well stocked with masks, tissues, and hand sanitizer. I was disappointed to discover there was not an ounce of beer in the place. Imagine being quarantined for two weeks without beer?!! How will I survive … Then there are all these rules. Wash your paws frequently, cover your cough, social distancing, and the list goes on. In their rush to build the Q-Pile, they forgot to install cable TV and internet service. To pass the time I decided to do a photo diary.

 

The Q-Pile was setup a safe distance from the Woodpile

What do you mean I have to be quarantined here for TWO WEEKS!

This is my new home away from home: The Q-Pile

I spent some quiet time contemplating the “new normal”

Your suppose to wash your paws frequently. So, I start licking my paws when the nurse came flying over saying “no, no, no.” You have to wash your paws with soap and water. What a bizarre rule.

I feel like a human being having to wash my paws with soap and water. How humiliating.

Then there is the hand sanitizer routine. For those of you not familiar with the stuff, it is 120 proof moonshine with a bit of aloe. Boy does it smell horrible! One sniff of this stuff and I got an instant hangover.

Achoooo! [The sneeze heard around the world]

Did I mention the rule about not wiping your nose on your tail? Your suppose to use a tissue instead. Okay, how do I get the tissues out of the box?

I dropped by the cafeteria for a snack. It was stocked with can goods. How do get this thing open?

I must admit the food around here is excellent. Have you ever tried tomato and sunflower soup? It’s amazing.

The exercise yard was only 12 by 12 inches. I think I going to gain a few pounds staying here.

Q-Pile’s shipment of “face masks” arrived. So how do you put these on?

Typical government issue. Instead of a face mask we got whole body masks!

Maybe I can use it has a hard hat?

They would make great emergency shelters.

The “masks” have more room then the dormitory rooms being issued. I got stuck in the doorway.

I have the worst luck. I went to Ireland to get a giant sunflower seed from a leprechaun and all I got was a giant shamrock. I came home with a virus. Now I’m stuck in the Q-Pile. Wait a second, what did the leprechaun say about giant shamrocks? … something about them being a medicinal plant … 

Medicinal plant – that is it! Thank goodness I brought the giant shamrock home with me. The doctor called an Irish herbalist and got the instructions for preparing it. I was cured! May be my luck was not so bad after all.

Leprechauns: Fact or Fiction?

I recently took one of those Critter & Me DNA tests. I was surprised to learn that the old family stories were true. One of my distant ancestors came over the Atlantic from Ireland to escape the Guinness Seed famine in the 1800s. I checked the Ellis Island records, and found a Twitchell McChippy listed as a stowaway. He hailed from County Roscommon. According to family legend, he arrived with only five peanuts in his cheek pouches. He went on to become a successful seed trader, and was one of the founding critters of the Woodpile.

I have been able to verify the more pertinent facts of the family history but some of the old stories sound like they came straight out of Irish’munk mythology! Take for example, one of the favorite family legends told every St. Patrick’s Day: Ye olde Ireland was home to some solitary and mischievous fairies called leprechauns.  They the had the face of  a human, a red furry beard as thick as a chipmunk’s tail, and they were never seen without their green hats. They earned a living by mending shoes and enjoyed tending their clover gardens. Being rather shy, they tended to hide from people and creatures alike. Rumor has it, if you capture a leprechaun they would bargain for their freedom by showing you the dancing sunflower seeds they keep in their pockets and gift you with a magical giant seed. The giant seed will bring a critter more wealth than a pot of gold. Many have tried to capture them only to become a victim of their practical jokes. Supposedly, great-great-great grandfather Twitchell was the last creature to successfully capture a leprechaun. As proof of this great feat, the family displays a scrap of parchment with some fading ink. It reads “Beware of the price of the leprechaun and his magical giant seed.”

It is a great story and the kids always enjoy it. Funny thing, I was cleaning out a closet and found an old wooden trunk full of family papers. Amongst them was a map in the same faded ink as the scrap of parchment. Scribbled on it,  was “Trail to leprechaun house.” The starting point was the Bushy Tail Pub. I googled it, the pub still exists! I know the story is just a myth but imagine finding a magical giant sunflower seed. I would be the envy of critter gardeners everywhere and rich too! What the heck, I booked a flight to Ireland and caught an Uber ride to the pub. If I am wrong then I get to disprove an old family legend.

From the pub I set off over the fields following the map. I had to avoid being trampled by sheep and plowed under by a tractor. At the edge of known civilization the map lead me into eerie unexplored woods. I wandered around for what seem like days, my supply of snack dwindling to nothing. I was lost and on the verge of starvation. [Editor’s note: it was about three hours and a hundred yards from the nearest farm house]. I climbed onto a brick for a better view. Suddenly, I felt something tickling me behind the ears. I slowly turned around and was nearly blinded by the bright white light.

Yikes! They really do exist. 

The leprechaun laughed and took off at a fast pace. I raced after him and caught him just as he was about to leap off a log. He conceded that I had captured him and asked me if I wanted to see some dancing sunflower seeds.

After of a hour of tedious bargaining, the leprechaun finally agreed to give me a magical giant seed in exchange for his freedom. He planted it in the soil and it came up almost instantly.  I expected a giant sunflower plant. “What! I have been trick. This magical giant seed only grows into a three leaf clover. Not even a lucky four leaf clover.”

With a twinkle in his eye and a look of mischievous pleasure, he twirled his lucky shamrock and turned me into a leprechaun.  The spell lasted 36 hours. I spent my time wisely playing tricks on the local farmers.

On the flight home to the Woodpile, I got an emergency alert on his smart phone “CCDC (Chipmunk Center for Disease Control) has determined that chipmunks are susceptible to the Corona virus. International travel to Europe is not recommended.” So much for the “luck of Irish.”

TO BE CONTINUED (hopefully …)

Chippy Jr.'s Portrait

The wife has been wanting some professional photos of the kids. The last time we brought our son and daughter to the photographer all they did was play jokes on each other and climb the walls of the studio burrow. It was a very expensive photo session with nothing to show for it. Word got around the photo studios and no one was willing to make an appointment for us.

So this year, we finally agreed I would take Chippy Jr. and she would take our daughter, Alice. I called around and the only studio which would return our calls was called “Mug Shots.” When I dropped by the studio, it had an impressive collection of paw-cuffs, tail straight jackets and other types of restraints. Suffice to say, Chippy Jr. was on his best behavior. I didn’t want the boring old studio backdrop so I suggested the Woodpile. Here are some samples from the session.

We chipmunks take great pride in our tails