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My buddy, Bushy the squirrel and his wife have been working long hours as part of the corona virus emergency response team. Luckily for them, Bushy’s grandmother has been taking care of the kids. She makes sure the kids attend their online classes and do their homework. After “school” is over for the day, she plays catch the acorn with the grand kids, gives them lessons on tree climbing, and they build nests out of leaves like the pioneer squirrels once did. (Bushy has a nice condo in a suburban neighborhood of the Woodpile.)

In her younger years, Bushy’s grandmother was a top ranked athlete at the Squirrel X games. She won a gold medal in the track and field decathlon. She did sustain a tail injury while participating in the “road crossing” portion of the tournament. This is an event in which the critter athletes dodge speeding cars while crossing a busy road. Recently, that old injury has been causing her problems. She went to the doctor and was diagnosed with osteoporosis of the tail. She was prescribed calcium supplements which she takes faithfully every day.

In other news, my friend Tom in Rhode Island, a world famous e-book author, recently sent me a clipping from the “National Inquirer” a tabloid magazine written by what Tom calls “human beans.” I thought I would share it with my readers since it concerns the Woodpile:

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CARNIVOROUS SQUIRREL SPOTTED IN MASSACHUSETTS!  

A quiet rural neighborhood in northeastern Massachusetts has been hording pepper spray and bolting their doors shut at night. It all began one morning when some of the local glutinous wildlife failed to show up for breakfast at the bird feeders. The next day, the Woodpile was found decorated in tuffs of fur. The entire local chipmunk population known as “Woodpilers” had disappeared over night.

My editor called me into her office. She was drinking champagne at 9am! I inquired what she was celebrating? She said that Chippy, Vinnie and all the Woodpilers had been devoured! She went on to explain that their blog had been taking customers away from the magazine for months and cutting into the bottom line. I got the assignment to investigate this “miracle.”

I arrived to find local residents terrified not about COVID 19 but rather another silent killer stalking them. They had initially thought the coyotes were responsible until they joined the list of unexplained disappearances. I asked about seeing the home security camera video but residents only shook their heads. There wasn’t any. All the wires had been chewed in half disabling the cameras. The real shock came when a neighbor reported his pitbull named “terminator” had gone missing from his chain link enclosure. I hurried to the scene and found a trail of destruction. The chain link fence had been chewed through. Terminator put up quite a fight but proved no match for this silent monster. With great trepidation, I followed the drag marks as the dog’s carcass was hauled away. What did I find? A carnivorous squirrel! The squirrel had eaten the entire dog except for one bit of bone. I snapped a few photographs as proof and ran like hell. Will your neighborhood be next? Are you prepared?

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Quick question, did you believe this story? Of course not, right? You get your critter news from reliable sources like this blog?

Allow me to introduce you to Bushy’s grandmother taking her organic calcium supplements. Yes, she looks really good for her age. I continue to be amazed how gullible human beings are. They pay good money at the grocery store to buy these tabloid magazines and read these fake news stories. Imagine how many bottles of beer you could buy for that same money.