On Trial

I was tending my sunflowers when I saw the constable making his usual rounds. I put done my pruning shears and walked over to the fence to pass the time of day. As is my habit, I put my front paws on the top of the fence. The constable looked all business like today which was strange, he is a rather jolly ‘munk. Out came his paw cuffs and he slapped them on me before I realized what happened. He announced in a loud official voice, I have a warrant for your arrest issued by the grand jury on the charge of “writing bad prose.” I protested, “there must be some mistake.”

I was dragged by the tail a half mile to what passed as the jail. It was more like a medieval torture chamber. It was dark, smelly, and littered with the bones of its previous occupants. I found graffiti dating back to Shakespearean times. Most it of was flowery love poems written in old English – talk about “bad prose.”

 I knew my rights and demanded my one phone call. The guard opened my cell door and led me down a dimly lit maze of tunnels until we came to the contraption pictured above. Have you ever seen one of these? Supposedly it is a communication device. From what century? This is embarrassing but I had to ask how to use it. It is a rotary phone. You have to stick a claw in each number, one by one and rotate the ring clockwise till you hit the metal clip than you let it spin backwards. It took twenty minutes just to dial the number. It was exhausting. I called my cousin Vinnie only to get his voice mail saying he was in the middle of the Pacific ocean conducting global warming research for the next three weeks and couldn’t be reached.

 When we walked into the court house, I found a red squirrel snoozing on the defense’s table. I tried to rouse him so I could sit down but he was out cold. I gave up and asked where my lawyer was? Everyone pointed to Mr. Sleepy. Before I even had a chance to try talking to my lawyer, the bailiff called “All Rise, the honorable Judge Snowy presiding.”

 Oh, no, not Judge Snowy. I heard she ate the last defense lawyer after he called her cold hearted. I plead “not guilty” and cautiously asked for a jury trial.

 Judge Snowy ordered the bailiff, old Eagle Eyes, to round up a jury. He flew over to Blackbird Tavern and impaneled everyone who wasn’t passed out drunk. Everyone on the jury was a friend of mine, So I relaxed.

The prosecution presented five witnesses who claimed they suffered boredom, insanity, and loss of their sense of humor after following my blog. They all placed the blame for their suffering on my “bad prose.” I didn’t recognized any them as blog followers. The  first witness was clearly illiterate, the second one needed a translator because she didn’t speak English, witness #3 asked what a “blog” was, and the fourth had never heard of me, Chippy. Imagine that, someone who didn’t know who I was! The fifth witness was none other than my archenemy the Phantom Chipmunk, a career criminal!

The court recessed for lunch. The jury got a free lunch on the court’s tab at the tavern. They spent the lunch hour playing their favorite game Scrabble. This photo was all over social media of their game. Hmmm, this isn’t looking so good. Apparently they haven't forgiven me for that April's Fools prank I pulled on them. I thought it was hilariously.

 

The court reconvened and my lawyer woke up just long enough to tell the judge the “defense rests.” I tried to protest that the jury had already made up its mind ... What a disaster! The maximum penalty is 20 years hard labor shelling peanuts. My poor loyal fans what would they do without my weekly entertaining stories? I “borrowed” my lawyers smart phone and put out a desperate plea for help. My fellow Woodpilers, and numerous critters from neighboring communities, and even the pesky humans we have put up with all came to the courthouse. They started stacking up piles of cash on the judge’s bench, totaling some $20,000. The judge counted every last bit of it. After a few moments Judge Snowy declared that my name had been misspelled on the warrant and therefore it was invalid. I was free to go!

Before, you all begin to denounce me as a chipmunk with no ethics and devoid of moral values because I bribed a judge, I should probably mention this was a charity fundraiser event.