Seed Vending Machines

Word has gotten out that the Woodpile is the hot new market to open in a business in. A human company that supplies snack vending machines to schools and hotels wants to expand into the lucrative critter market. They applied for and were granted a business license by the Woodpile Council (after paying the license fee which interestingly enough got deposited in the Council’s party budget!)

The vending company moved quickly to install two seed vending machines. I will let you judge for yourself, but, to me, they looked suspiciously likely modified bird feeders. If you are like me, you were probably expecting the old fashion vending machines you fed quarters into. Nope, these are smart chip and smart phone enabled. You just tap one of those new credit cards on the machine or use your phone to pay. The nice thing about the old machines, you had a clear understanding how much things cost after feeding all those quarters in. Not so with these electronic payment systems. The rate everyone was using the vending machines you would think everyone thought the seeds were free.

After spending a half hour searching, I finally found the prices listed on the machines. I needed a magnifying glass to read them. I think there are going to be a lot of critters in for the shock of their lives when they get their credit card bills.

1 Regular Sunflower Seed $1

1 Guinness Flavored Seed $5

1 Godiva Sunflower Seed $10

*All seeds imported from China

“I can see all those wonderful seeds but how do I get them out?”

 “Let me try pressing this green ring hard as I can.”

“Maybe if I stick my head far enough inside, I can get to them … Help! I am stuck!”

Someone finally clued this fellow in that he has to pay for the seeds.

Lets see if the Woodpilers were having any better success at the other vending machine?

The machine malfunctioned and this lucky ‘munk got a dozen seeds for the price of one!

The next ‘munk in line wasn’t so lucky. She dutifully paid and then absolutely nothing happened. “Where is my seed???”

“Maybe it is in this slot, nope …”

One thing hasn’t changed, these new vending machines still jam up and fail to dispense your snack occasionally. Getting very upset she tried to shake her seed loose.

Coin Collecting

One of my co-workers, Buck, recently retired. I asked him what he planned on doing. He enthusiastically announced he was going to pursue his life long dream of owning a hobby shop. I inquired as to which hobby he had in mind.  He smiled and said coin collection. I had Chippy Jr. with me, and he seemed a bit baffled. Then I remembered he has grown up with credit cards and digital currency. Well, Buck noticed too, he offered Jr. a part time job in his new store.

A quick history lesson. I grew in what folks called a “cash economy.” In those dark ages, we used to lug around wads of paper bills and bags of metal coins. Unfortunately, us critters were stuck using human currency. We tried to mint our own money but the whole sunflower seed standard never evoke the same level of confidence as the gold standard. We literally had “cash carts” we pushed to the store. We tried to spend as much of it as we could so we didn’t have drag it home with us. Those coins were heavy for us ‘munks. At the bank, they used conveyor belts to move the coins around.

We were all excited when humans decided to move to the plastic/credit standard and eventually to digital currency. Now we can pay for everything with our cell phone. So much more convenient.

Apparently there is a lot of nostalgia for coins. The coin shop was busy on opening day.

The “Bargain Stump” was surprisingly popular. Buck put out a bowl of 3 coins for 50 sunflower seeds deal. (Yes, you read that correctly, the shop was accepting payments in sunflower seeds.)

Someone started a rumor on social media that the coin bowl had a gold coin.

Customers searched …

... and searched more for that elusive coin. While searching for gold they discovered other coins they just had to have.

“What a bargain. I will takes these coins, here are my seeds for payment.”

You wouldn’t think our feather friends would take in interest in coins but they swooped in. This Titmouse found a valuable silver coin.

A line quickly formed at the coin bowl.

Coin folders are popular with the collections. Buck was setting this one up.

I had no idea what these folders were about so, I took a look.

The idea seems to be to fill in the slots inside of the folder with the appropriate coin.

At the shop, the folders were used to display coins for sale. These two customers were looking to fill in hard to fill gaps in their own folders.

This lady has found the four coins she needs.

Wait, I think she just spotted the last coin which will complete her folder.

Not wanting to miss out on the action, this Titmouse flew in for a closer look.

Afraid that the Titmouse will make off with the “good stuff” this fellow offers 250 seeds for folder and all the remaining coins. The titmouse countered with an offer of 300 seeds.

Growing wary of the bidding war, the ‘munk gentleman offered a 1000 seeds! Sold!

Word about the new coin shop continued to spread. Buck found himself working harder in retirement than he did at his 9-5 job and was loving every minute of it.

Super-Cooling Unit

The heat wave hit the Woodpile hard this week. The heat penetrated several feet underground. Our burrows which are normally cool at this time of year turned into saunas. I went online and found this amazing deal on a Super-Cooling Unit. It was described as industrial strength and just plug in for all day cooling. I paid for the overnight delivery service and it arrived the next morning. I plugged it into the electrical outlet, waited, waited some more and nothing happened. I checked the box for a remote control and found none. Then I thought maybe it is like the cable TV box and voice controlled. I spent fifteen minutes trying different voice commands. I felt like I was talking to myself. Bushy the Squirrel came along and thought it might be one of those Alexa enabled devices. Good thinking! I grab my smart phone:

Chippy “Alexa, turn on Super-Cooling Unit.”

Alexa, “Super-Cooling Unit is not connected to internet, unable to comply.”

Chippy “Alexa how is the unit turned on?”

Alexa “Consult the instructions.”

Chippy “Alexa find the instruction manual.”

Alexa “This unit is an antiquated piece of technology and was only produced with a printed instruction manual.”

I found the instruction manual in the bottom of the box. Does anyone read Spanish?

Chippy “Alex the instruction manual is in Spanish.”

Alexa “I can recommend several excellent online Spanish learning programs.”

Chippy “Alexa how long will it take learn to read Spanish?”

Alexa “About five months.”

Chippy “That is in the middle of winter.”

Alexa “January 15, 2022 to be precise.”

Chippy “Alexa, I can’t wait five months to turn on the Super-Cooling Unit. What are my alternatives?”

Alexa “Call technical support.”

A Titmouse from technical support arrived.

He wanted to know where the control unit was. We looked for a keyboard, buttons, and screen and didn’t find any.

We thought the control unit might have fallen out of the box. So, I searched under the unit.

I looked behind it.

I took a break from searching for a snack.

The Titmouse escalated the call to the advance technical support team. A house wren technician showed up. She took one look and said good luck with that antique and left.

Chippy “Alexa technical support can’t turn it on. What am I suppose to do now?”

Alexa “This device was invented by human beings. The logical solution would be to consult a human.”

What, consult a human?!! I would have to admit I couldn’t make it work. The reputation of the entire chipmunk community as intellectually superior to humans will be destroyed. On the other paw, if I don’t get this unit running I might not survive this heatwave. Then again, history will remember me as the chipmunk who asked a human for help. This is an impossible situation!

While I was contemplating this philosophical dilemma, Mom our human caretaker walked by and absentmindedly turned a knob on the back of the unit. A split second later I was sent flying by  a hurricane force wind.

I crawled under the unit to reach the control knob. It was a simple mechanical device. You turn it to change the speed. (I knew that all along.)

I cautiously edged forward in front to test the wind speed.

Ahhh, cool air … perfect.

The "Tail" of Two Bookstores

People seem to have the impression that the Woodpile is a rough and tumble backwoods community. I am sure the many adventures I share on this blog contribute to that notion. I want to assure my loyal readers, we do have some culture, we have two bookstores! In fact we have the oldest bookstore in the critter world and the distinction of the newest bookstore.

The Upside Down Mouse Hole Bookstore is celebrating its 300^th anniversary this month. It got started back in 1721. Way back then, they had to print their own books before they could sell them. Today they stock books from the major publishers. The store has been in the same family for the entire time and is still located at the same upside down mouse hole. The place is quite famous, and critters from across the country visit it every year. It has become a destination similar to humans flocking to see the “Cheers” bar in Boston.

Recently, a young ‘munk returned to the Woodpile after getting his business degree at college. He scampered around to all the local businesses and proceeded to tell them how old fashion and out-of-date they were. Folks quickly tired of his chatter and challenged him to setup his own business and prove his newfangled ideas were better. Everyone thought he was all talk and no action.

The Woodpile woke up a few days later to find the grand opening of a new bookstore, called the Mouse Hole Book Store. It was strategically located between the station were all the tourists arrive and our beloved ancient book store. The tourists seemed oblivious to the fact that the new store was missing a word from its name. Not to mention, the store was nothing more than a repurposed warehouse with a mouse hole cut out of a piece of cardboard and taped to a milk crate for an entrance.

I suspect the free sparkling cider being served in a large bowl outside the store was an effective distraction. Out of curiosity I got myself a cup and I must admit it was good stuff. The new fella did not skimp, he got the expensive imported brand.

Wanting to know what exciting surprises awaited them inside the store after tasting the sparkling cider, there was a steady stream of customers heading through the door.

The owner of the Upside Down Mouse Hole was understandably furious after sneaking over to checkout of the new store. He called his lawyer claiming unfair business practices. His lawyer agreed but said it would take months to sort this out in court and recommended a dose of old fashion competitiveness.

He went over to the new store and announced he was serving free Godiva sunflower seeds at the original Upside Down Mouse Hole. I have never seen a store empty out so fast in my life.

Customers browsed the book selection while they gobbled down Godiva sunflower seeds.

One hour later, the owner of the original store noticed things had gotten awfully quiet. He poked his head out of the famous upside down mouse hole entrance and found absolutely no customers.

The new store had announced a 15% off sale. The customers were hooked.

The new bookstore owner was shocked to find his good fortune didn’t last long.

All his customers disappeared.

 

The old store had announced a 25% sale. The books were selling so fast, they had to adjust the log bookend to close the gaps on the shelves.

The new store owner contemplated his next marketing move. He yelled over to the old owner and said he was going to offer a 40% off sale. The old store owner replied he would offer one free book for every three a customer bought and challenged him to beat that! (The old store owner was being clever, buy three get one free is same as 25% off sale he was already running). Unwilling to be outdone by his competitor, the new store owner decided to offer his books for free. There was no way his competitor to beat that offer. It worked his stored was mobbed with customers till closing time.

The old store owner watched patiently as the new store “sold” completely out of its inventory and went bankrupt all in one day.

The shocked look of the new store owner after checking his balance sheet … was priceless.