Chippy is away on official Woodpile business (I will explain
shortly). Since we have both been involved in the Woodpile’s top secret
hush-hush humanitarian (or more correctly critteritarian) project, the job of bringing everyone up to
speed has fallen to me.
I should properly introduce myself to all of you. I am
Chippy’s cousin. I am not big on fancy titles or formal names … folks just call
me Vinnie the P. The “P” stands for philosopher. At some point along my
interesting life and career, I picked up a couple of Ph.D.s one in physics and
the other in philosophy. I currently teach at the Four Paws University. Yes, I teach some of those
required science and liberal arts courses which are the bane of every freshman,
whether they have two legs or four. I also teach the most popular class in the
465 year history of the university. No, I not stroking my own ego. In fact this
class is a lot of work. Try grading 221 mid-terms. You don’t care about that,
you want to know what the class is about. It is called “Introduction to
Training Humans.” Yes, you read that correctly. Next time you bring out a handful
of peanuts to that “cute cuddly” chipmunk or “poor starving” squirrel, you have
met one of my students. Give yourself a pat on the back, you’re a well trained
and obedient human. Here at the Woodpile we have the humans trained to stack
the wood, bring us fresh water daily, serve us sunflower seeds on command, and
rake up the sunflowers shells.
I am getting side tracked. You really want know about the
hush-hush critteritarian project. As Chippy told you last week, we serve a
vegetarian Thanksgiving meal. We find the idea of cooking our dear friends the
turkeys and serving them for dinner a terrible idea. We established the
Woodpile as a “Sanctuary
City” for those turkeys
fleeing the butcher knife. The President only pardons one turkey a year.
Someone had to save the rest of them. We are sheltering hundreds of turkeys at
the Woodpile. We did hit one small snag, Chippy underestimated how much food
was needed to feed that many turkeys. He is busy “requisitioning” additional
supplies.
Don’t feel guilty about the “turkey” you had at Thanksgiving
dinner. It was likely one our vegetarian turkey substitutes made from soy and
wheat.
If you ran into holiday traffic, it might have been caused by turkeys en route to the Woodpile.
This turkey has reached the safety of the Woodpile's border wall.
Our border patrol unit to keep hunters out
"Thank you Chippy and Vinnie the P."
