Grand Lady of the Greenway

Every morning, I get together with my buddies for coffee. A couple of months ago, we made a friendly wager as to who could grow the most amount of sunflowers. I really want to win this bet, so, I planted a thousand sunflowers. I didn’t realize how much work that involved. I have to water them, fertilize them, and weed them. It turns out the second place guy only planted a hundred, so, I way over did it. After two months of work in my garden, I needed a day off. I asked Mom for a recommendation. She  recommended the Rose Kennedy Greenway in Boston. The Greenway has a bit of everything, beautiful gardens, art, water park, and carousel. All of this beauty in the middle of the skyscapers!? It sounded intriguing.

I got a bus ticket and headed into the city. The bus went through the Ted Williams Tunnel. I have seen a lot of tunnels and burrows in my time but was this truly amazing. A tunnel that goes under Boston Harbor and big enough to drive a bus through it. We chipmunks have to rethink tunnel design. I hate to admit it but you humans have definitely outdone us in this category.

The bus pulled into South Station. I got down to the street level. I made the mistake of looking up. I had to crane my neck so far back to see the top of the buildings, I tipped over backwards. Whoa, these buildings are 100 to 200 times higher than the Woodpile! Apparently, humans like to live and work in these things.

These humans must be exercise nuts. Imagine having to climb these stairs just to bring up the groceries. No thanks.

 

This bar serves so many different brews, the bar stretches across four floors. They certainly do everything BIG in the city. I dropped in for a tall glass of ice cold lemonade. (After spending two months tending sunflowers, I wanted to taste something other than sunflower Ale!) I was chatting with some of the locals and mentioned I was on my way to the Greenway. “Oh, you must be heading to see the Grand Lady of The Greenway.” I smiled and just went along with it. I had no idea who this Grand Lady was, never heard of her.

After wandering around this concrete and brick human jungle, I was relieved to find a ribbon of greenery. This must be the Greenway. As I step into this oasis, I was greeted by some fellow critters. “Welcome to the Greenway.” The welcome committee consisted of three house sparrows. I offered them some sunflower seeds but they had no idea how to crack a seed open. They have spent their entire lives eating human food. I had the opportunity to introduce them to sunflowers and gained some new “converts.” They were surprised how good tasting “natural” critter food was. Before I left them, they suggested I share my seeds with the Grand Lady of the Greenway. I thought they were pulling my tail but politely agreed to their suggestion. I am assuming this is some sort of joke that the locals play on tourists. I was on to their game.

Some of the city ‘munks maintain a small sunflower garden.

 

The flowers along the Greenway were breathtaking. I wonder what it takes to maintain all of this?

Well, it was just my luck I ran into the head greens keeper for the Greenway. This rabbit is in charge of selecting the grass species for the greens and for cutting them. I asked what his secret grass mix was. Since I was a fellow critter, he didn’t mind letting me on the secret. He uses 50% clover seed. His team of rabbit mowers can’t eat enough clover. They show up everyday hungry to get to work. The strangest thing, he asked me to pass along the message to Grand Lady. He didn’t strike me as the practical joke type.

 

The artwork is pretty amazing. This mosaic uses stones and seashells along with the traditional bits of tiles.

Partway along the greenway I found this circular area paved with different colored stones. I started to explore it to figure why someone would pave over the greenery. I found some small openings in the stones which I peered into. The next thing I know I was flying straight upward on a geyser of water! I have heard about the geyser in Yellowstone National Park, I never knew we had them in Boston. They really should put up some up signs to warn us critters of this unexpected hazard.

After drying myself off from my geyser shower, I looked up and was surprised to see a turkey on the Greenway. She must be another tourist liker myself.

I introduce myself and said I had a rather strange question to ask: Did everyone keep telling her about the Grand Lady of the Greenway? She chuckled and invited me to sit with her on the park bench. I shared some of my sunflower seeds with her. She told me the story about how she arrived in the city about a year ago penniless. Apparently no one had ever seen a turkey in the city before and they kept asking lots of questions – who are you? What are you doing in the city? She thought she would have some fun and made up of a tale that she was a rich duchess from England on an extended holiday. All the best hotels competed with each other to have her stay with them. Everyone started to treat her with respect and addressed her as “my lady.” The humans would even stop and give her seeds and peanuts to eat. This is how she became the “Grand Lady of the Greenway.”

She currently lives in a luxury suite at the Boston Harbor Hotel. We had a very pleasant chat. Before, I took my leave, she gave me a ticket for a ferry ride to Georges Island in the Harbor. (I will tell you about that adventure next week.) She gets all sorts of freebies which she gives away. She hands them out to her fellow critters who think she's rich and generous. This helps to reinforce her persona on the Greenway.

 

Newspapers

A few weeks ago, I talked about how we developed marketing ideas for critter uses of L.L. Bean boots. Our best idea was to turn the boots into a roadster. We had another brainstorming meeting coming up to discuss where to advertise the product. I started by rummaging through recycling bins for magazines and newspapers. I found a couple of New York Times. They have all sorts of different sections ranging from travel to business to technology.

I am fascinated by the fact you humans find so much to talk and write about every day. If I read the newspaper from the front page to the last page it would take a few hours. I swear by the time I am done with it, the next day’s paper has arrived and I have to start all over again. I was talking with one of our human neighbors, and he made an interesting observation. He thinks the amount of reading time for a newspaper like the Times is tied to the length of the daily commute in a major city. Commuters are thus distracted from the ridiculous time it takes them to get to the job by the newspaper and therefore don’t have time to think up ways to get the politicians to fix the traffic problems. Now that I think about it, the size of coffee cups has also increased with the longer commutes. At the rate things are going, newspapers will become book length, and coffee will be served in gallon jugs!

I digress from the task at hand - advertising our L.L. Bean boots to critters. Let me check the circulation statistics. Interesting, 33% of the readership is critters. A high percentage of them have “disposable income” (translation – they can buy unique luxury items.) 70% have college degrees. That is good to know. We need to design an ad that appeals to their intellect as well as there social status. Which section should we run the ad in? I didn’t realize advertising required so much research.

 I found this mint condition newspaper in the recycling bin.

There is a lot of material to read, I better get grab some snacks.

This seed has gone past it expiration date – yuck!

Interesting, the Times is reporting that human population growth in the U.S. is at its lowest. I wonder if this will affect the growth rate of backyard bird feeders sales? I think I should sell my stock in bird feeder companies now.

 Have you ever noticed how the color of states seem to change from one week to another? In the last election states were either red or blue. Now they are pastel blue and orange.

Hold on the colors have changed again. This newspaper from the next day has some states yellow and others green and a whole bunch of them have simply disappeared. I really wish you humans could make up your minds, it is so confusing.

This graphic is eye-catching. It looks like a bunch of worms attacking an apple. The person who already took a bite out of the apple is in for a big surprise. I got to read the article and found out how it ends.

That’s interesting, the article is actually about covering your digital tracks. This could come in handy. I want to order sunflower seeds crossbred with hot peppers for a practical joke. I plan on mailing them to certain people. The U.S. Post Office frowns on such use of the official mail. I need to make sure my orders are untraceable. This article offers a step-by-step guide. Oh, last step says “Don’t post what your doing on social media.” I am sure my loyal fans who read my blog can keep a secret, right?

Prefab Burrow

Normally I tune into the National Critter Weather Service but their transmitter was down the other day. They have 98% accuracy rating. Instead I tuned into one of those network news stations that humans favor. What a mistake. The forecast was for sunny and 90 degrees. I thought, a great day to start repairing the roof of the burrow (a two day project). By the end of day I had the old water proofing materials removed and I was ready to install the new stuff the next day. About 7pm, dark clouds rolled in, the wind picked up to 40 mph, and a few minutes later the sky opened up. We had thunder and lighting and monsoon rains. Seriously how could the human forecasters miss a major rain event? My wife and myself ran around the burrow placing buckets and bowls everywhere.

 After the deluge passed, my wife pulled out the latest copy of Critter Home and Garden magazine. They had a feature story on prefab burrows – water proof, earthquake proof, guaranteed against cave-ins, no excavation required and you can move it if you don’t like your neighbor. The next day we decided to see if all the hype was true. We dropped by the model burrow at the factory store. We told the sales rep our sad tale. She shook her whiskers and said she had heard this story from too many customers. To cheer us we got the VIP tour of the model burrow.

The basic one bedroom model is 24 inches in length and made from American steel. It is completely indestructible and water proof. As many as eight additional bedrooms can be added as side tunnels.

 I was a bit skeptical and wanted a closer look.

 

Hmmm, 1/8 inch steel and waterproof paint sealant. Impressive.

 

Spacious main living tunnel.

“Hey honey, come check out the wi-fi enabled smart appliances. The trash can sends your kids a reminder text when to take the trash out and cuts off their internet connection until they take care of it.

“Custom made curved TV screen to match the burrow’s curvature, ingenious.”

Wow, auxiliary seed storage tunnels on either side of the main burrow with built-in seed dispenser, no more  rummaging round dark storage cabinets

The wife came back out and wanted to know if it came in other any other colors. The sale rep whipped out the 20 page color sample book and the two of them discussed the options.

I checked out the exterior. No earth covering need. No more pushing dirt a round with my paws. I just wish we could afford it.

What great views from the top. This makes a great lookout for predators. The sales rep mentioned a jacuzzi in the master bedroom, I going back inside to check it out. How much trouble could my wife get into looking at color samples?

I was still exploring the demo burrow when I overhead my wife pop out the burrow entrance and say, “We’ll take it! How soon can it be delivered?”

Unsure my ears had heard correctly, I rushed out to hear the distinctive sound that comes with my wife putting a paw print on a deal. Yikes, I am going to have to get a second job to pay the mortgage!

My wife apparently saw the shocked looked on face, and said “Chippy, I forget to tell you last evening, a check arrived from dear aunt Betsey’s lawyer, she left me 50,000 seeds in her will.

 

Reflections on the Pandemic

I am happy to report that the Woodpile is 100% vaccinated. Yesterday at noon the Woodpile Council voted to lift all the pandemic restrictions. Everyone got together around a bonfire to celebrate. Strangely the topic of conversation was what critters did during lockdown and the lonely months afterwards. For example, Bushy’s wife couldn't decide what color to paint their hollow in the old oak tree. Each week she had Bushy paint it a different color. After about 52 weeks, she decided she like the original color they had! Now the paint is 1/2 inch thick on the walls. For myself, I finally had time to inventory my worldwide sunflower seed collection. After cataloging 526 seeds, I decided my collection was big enough. The prize for the most creative pandemic activity goes to Merry and his roommate Tropifly. They built their own bowling lane in their condo.

Ever wonder where so used batteries end up? There is a huge demand for them on the critter market as bowling pins. I know, all these years you thought those pesky raccoons were after the chicken bones in the trash can. Think again.

Humans like to joke about losing their “marbles” as a way to explain their intellectual foibles. I hate to break it to you, but its not just an expression. You really do loose your marbles. Turns out they are the perfect size for bowling bowls. If you’re missing any of your marbles, I have a good idea where you can find them.

The only problem with using human marbles as bowling balls, is each one has a distinct personality. Some balls are unfocused and wander all over the place. If you have a single pin left, this is a great choice because it zigzags across the whole lane and has a high probability hitting the pin. The ambitious marbles are great for bowling a strike, they want to prove themselves. Watch out for the social media marbles, they are attracted to the nearest cell phone and never make it down the lane.

 

Order of the Bean Pot

The Blackbird Tavern has been unable to keep up with demand for Guinness Sunflower Ale. Arrangements were made with the brewery to run a pipeline from the main tank at the brewery to the tap at the bar. During installation of the pipe, the construction crew hit a giant buried time capsule. After dusting off the dirt, they were surprised to find an inscription that read “Open in 2021.”  The crew popped open the lid with some crowbars only to discover a earthenware bean pot. Everyone was duly disappointed.  I peeked and inside and found a hand written note: “Congratulations! You are duly appointed to be the bean pot master and perform the 200 hundred year ceremony. Failure to do so will result in the end of the critter world.” Remind me in the future not to be so curious. I poked around some more but I couldn’t find any instructions for the ceremony.

I ran as fast as I could to the library. The librarian helped me pour through all the history books and old newspapers from 200 year ago. We found a few references to a secret Order of the Bean Pot. One short news blurb from 1821 simply stated “Secret Order saved the Critter world from cataclysmic disaster by holding special rites. The Order has held this ceremonial for over 500 years using their ancient bean pot.” The next mention is from 1850 and it reads “Last member of the Order of the Bean Pot, Dr. Four-Paws passed away at the age of 99 taking all of their secrets to the grave.” This isn’t looking good.

In desperation, I called my cousin Vinnie. He put the word out and members of the international think tank gathered at the Woodpile.

Renowned international archaeologist  Dr. Howard Carter was the first to arrived. He left a dig in Egypt studying ancient cat villages. He dove in (literally) to the problem.

I noticed he likes to clean his tail while he thinks.

 

He reported, “Vinnie this a bit strange, based upon the glazes and manufacturing technique, this pot was manufactured around 1820. Its definitely not 500 years old.”

“Next into the Pot” was a biochemist with a specialty in food residues. She began by sniff the outside of the pot.

Followed by a closer inspection inside.

After about an hour of sniffing, the results were announced. Food residue was consistent with baked beans. More specifically the recipe used by the Durgin Park Restaurant in Boston during the 1800s.

Baffled by the findings of the first two experts Vinnie decided he needed to personally investigate.

He popped his head out of the pot and said “How did everyone missing the inscription written in Latin? Dr. Carter asked him to translate. It read something to the effect ‘push red button for big surprise’. Vinnie asked me to help him find the red button.

The next thing we known after hitting the button, we were flying through the air. Apparently, Dr. Carter loves playing practical jokes.

Our Woodpile school teacher Mrs. Spot dropped by. She went over to the bean pot and looked at it reverently. She said, “Where did you find great-great uncle Four-Paws’ bean pot? The family has been looking for this for almost two hundred years. Mrs. Spot sat down and told us the whole story based on what she learned from Four-Paws’ diary. Colonial ‘munk officials were rather unhappy with all the late night drinking going on at the Order of the Bean Pot hall. Even more disturbing was the fact they were growing beans instead of sunflowers. They were considered a bad influence on the village and plans were made to have them arrested and dragged into court. Catching word of the impending arrest, they concocted a story about the end of the world and created the “ancient” ritual of the bean pot which magically saved the village from disaster. The village fathers were so grateful for this miracle they cancelled the arrest warrants. Concerned that their deception would be revealed they buried the bean pot shortly afterwards with instructions not to open for two hundred years.

New uses for an old classic

I attended the Woodpile Chamber of Commerce meeting the other night. I am not really big on meetings, but I heard a rumor that the Bottomless Cup Café was giving away coupons for a free cup of coffee. Turned out you had stay for the whole meeting to get your coupon at the end. I was about to leave before things got started then I remembered my wife had a long list of chores around the burrow, so, I decided to stay. I am glad I did.

I was pleasantly amazed at the diversity of small critter owned businesses at the Woodpile. There are a couple of MIT graduates running a startup that just patented an automatic sunflower seed sheller. It can process a 1000 seeds an hour, very impressive. Three young ‘munks talked about their sunflower flavored lemonade stand that they are franchising throughout New England. You humans might want to get in on that deal.

At the social hour after the meeting I ran into Ms. Winters who owns a public relations and advertisement firm. They work out of an abandon rundown warehouse burrow. I have never given much thought to them. Apparently, they handle 40% of the advertising accounts for Fortune 500 critter companies in the U.S. I was asked if I wanted to participate in a marketing brainstorming session for their latest client. Who would that be, I asked? L.L. Bean that famous human retail store just hired them. The human market for their famous L.L. Bean boots has become saturated and they were looking for new emerging markets for their boots. They felt the critter market was completely untouched.

L.L. Bean shipped some product samples to the Woodpile. The brainstorming team gathered to get to work on some advertising concepts. The sales executives at L.L. Bean recognized that boots were obviously too big for chipmunk paws. Efforts to shrink the size had met with mixed results. They wanted to know what other uses they could be put them to that would be attractive to critters?Any ideas?

Wow, I never realized how big human paws were!

 I wonder how many chipmunks we can fit inside?

 You can get three chipmunks inside comfortably.

These make great picnic baskets that can be converted into a table.

 

With the increased crop yields we have been getting with our sunflower gardens, storage space has been at a premium in most burrows. Portable storage units for the harvest season I think will be in big demand.

What’s the capacity of this boot? Let me get some measurements. 

This is cavernous inside. I estimate this has capacity of 10,000 seeds.

Can I take this one home, please?!

 

I wonder if the boot could float? Add a motor and propeller and you got yourself a boat.

They could sell do-it-yourself add-on kits.

I have a better idea. These low top models can be made into a roadster. I can just imagine myself traveling Route 66 across country in one of these.